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Gamble with fun!
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Blackjack Jokes |
14 Dec 2007
OK, I've been hitting you kind folks with some rather involved material. Some of it involved homework! So, I think you've earned some lighter thoughts this time out. I thusly present: My favorite blackjack jokes! Some of them might be slightly off color, but I'll try to keep them mostly clean.
A guy comes rushing into his house and screams, “Charlotte, pack your bags! I just won $300,000 at the blackjack table!” His wife runs downstairs, laughing with delight! She says, “That's great darling, should I pack for the beaches or the mountains?” He replies, “Why should I care? As long as you're out of my house by midnight!”
A dealer watches, amazed, as a chimp sits down at his blackjack table, the beast's handler in tow. He clears his throat and explains, “I'm sorry sir, only humans are allowed at these tables.” The animal handler snorts, “Chimpy the Chimp knows more about blackjack than most humans. He has all the hand signals down. He taps when he wants a hit, waves his hand over the cards when he wants to stand, and matches his bet on a split or double!” The dealer looks confused and asks, “What does it mean when he waves both hands wildly in the air like that?” The handler blinks, then mutters, “It means he just peed on your leg.”
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister are playing some blackjack when the police raid their home game. The cop turns to the priest and asks: "Father, were you just gambling?" The priest exclaims, "The Lord does not allow me to gamble, you know that Patrick, you're from my parish!" The cop, chastened, then asks the minister: "Pastor, were you gambling?" The minister replies, "This is our Sabbath, officer, I would never game on the Sabbath!" The priest pins the cop with a glare, and he lets it drop. Turning to the rabbi, sheepishly, the officer ventures to ask: "Rabbi, I don't suppose that you were you gambling?" The Rabbi looks left, looks right, and asks: "Who could I possibly be gambling with?"
Once there was this guy who lived in Boston. He had a great job, a beautiful wife, a house, and two adorable kids. Then one day he heard a Voice. The Voice said, “Quit your job, sell your property, and move to Las Vegas.” He thought to himself, “I must be going crazy.” But he kept hearing that Voice over and over in his head. It was driving him crazy! “Quit your job, sell all your property, and move to Las Vegas.” He finally decided to go for it; this must be destiny! So the next day he quit his job, sold his home, and moved to Las Vegas. When he got there, the Voice said, “Go to the nearest casino.” So he went there. Then the Voice said, “Go to the high rollers blackjack table. Put all your money down on the first hand.” So he did, without any hesitation. The dealer put the cards out, and was showing a 9. The man had a 12. The Voice said, “Take a hit.” He scratched the table, and picked up a ten for 22. The Voice said, “Aw, crap!”
There you are, some quality jokes for your gambling buddies! Enjoy.
Bill Ricardi
- Blackjack Expert
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Gary Learns No Limit Hold'em |
16 Jan 2007
Ah, the no limit experience. Makes me recall the time I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich. When I ordered it, I had a few hundred in chips. It was a $20 buyin no limit game. A few minutes later, as I was getting up from my chair, the waitress brings my sandwich. They cost $1.10. She didn't even look at the spot of green felt in front of my chair, she just looked at my face and said, "You can't pay for this, can you?".
Submitted to RGP by gary_carson285@my-dejanews.com (Gary Carson)
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Poker Players are Never Satisfied |
10 Jan 2007
A tinker and his dog enter a bar and discover there is a poker game going in the back room. The tinker's had a good week so he decides to join in. Most of the players are locals, but one guy, a big winner, is also a stranger in town. The tinker does OK - up a little, down a little, generally holding his own. His dog sits on a chair beside him and watches the game.
About an hour into the game, the tinker gets a good 7-stud starting hand. On fifth street he makes a club flush. Unfortunately the stranger appears to be working on a spade flush and his highest up card is bigger than the tinker's highest card. As 7th street is being dealt, the tinker pats his dog on the head and says, "Girl, I sure could use an ace of clubs. "
The dog jumps down from the chair, runs around to the stranger and bites his ankle. As the stranger reaches down to grab the dog, a card falls out of his sleeve. The dog quickly picks it up in her mouth and brings it back to her master. The stranger, realizing he's been caught cheating, leaps up and runs out the door with several locals in pursuit.
The tinker takes the card from the dog's mouth and starts to swear, "You stupid, goddamn dog! Can't you get anything right?"
The barkeep chides him, "Mister, why are you swearing at your dog like that? She just saved you a lot of money by catching that cheat!"
The tinker responds by throwing the card face up on the table, "I tell her the ace of clubs and what does she bring me but the goddamn ace of spades!"
Submitted by marym@itis.com (MadMary)
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Dog Gone Poker |
04 Jan 2007
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog.", the man commented.
"Not so smart," said one of the players. "every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
Submited to RGP by crferry@aol.com (CRFERRY) - Chuck
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Pack Up |
29 Dec 2006
A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.
"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that?"
"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."
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A Christmas Story |
23 Dec 2006
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a hand would hold up
Thanks to that no good, no fold-em, idiot louse!
His stacks grew higher
Mine waned towards the felt
Now this S.O.B. has put me on TILT!
"CHIPS" cried the dealer
As I fumbled for cash
We were at war
Me and this little, river rat, 2-6 offsuit playing ASS!
When what to my wandering eyes should appear?
But a pocket full of aces to bring me good cheer!
"RAISE" called the maniac, "RE-RAISE" I cried
"CAP" he hissed, with all hands still alive.
An 8-way pot at limits 6 and 12
Deeper into this story we shall now delve...
I flopped my Ace, this much is true
But little did I know he was holding two-two.
Heads up betting had me calling "All-In"
But there was no doubt that the best hand would win!
A two on the flop gave me no dismay
I was busily counting chips that would soon come my way.
The board paired on fourth street, giving me the nuts I assumed
And turned over my Aces for his eyes to consume.
He paused just a moment before "2!!" he did call...
And Miraculously.....................................................the
case deuce on the river did fall
"Nice Catch" I muttered, editing my initial reply
Where I'd tell this guy off, instead yelled "REBUY!"
While up in chips with these massive stacks
Maniac forgot to protect them and eventually gave them all back.
Within three hours I heard him mutter "all-in"
Head hung, defeated, he'd committed a poker sin
I raised on the button for "protection" (I lied)
Just wanted it heads up to restore my pride.
Burning and turning the board soon displayed
I'd caught an ace on the river to his dismay.
As he turned to go, I said (rather snobby)
"Merry Christmas! Oh and my book is for sale in the lobby!"
Submitted by Diane A. Monds
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Harry Gets A Big Hand |
16 Dec 2006
Harry was an avid poker player, bordering on degenerate. He played as often as he could and could hold his own. Unfortunately, he often took his bad beats too seriously and too personal.
One night, after a nine hour session, Harry was dealt four aces and bet a load. George, was a skinny old guy who seemed mostly interested in putting Harry on tilt. George drew three cards and Harry drew one. Harry thought about check raising, but bet $500.00, figuring George would either call or more likely fold.
Instead, George pushed all his chips in the center and said, " I bet two thousand all-in".
Harry couldn't believe his ears and called the bet.
Grinning from ear to ear, Harry said, "Four Aces.", and reached for the chips.
"Not so fast, sonny.", says George. "I've got me a Straight Flush to the jack."
Harry went into shock. After a moment or two, he got up and calmly walked into the bathroom. As he splashed water on his face, he noticed an old straight razor on the shelf beneath the mirror. He calmly reached up and took the razor and slashed both wrists. As he stood there bleeding into the sink, one of the stall doors opened and, Joe, a friend of Harry's walked out.
Upon seeing Harry, Joe said, "Hey, Harry. A bunch of us are going over to Sam's tomorrow for some stud. Wanna go?"
Harry quickly pressed his wrists together, vein on vein, and says, "What time?".
Submitted to RGP by pmg@monmouth.com (Pat Gilvary)
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